I Want My Ex Back

Breaking up with your partner feels like a death in the family, you mourn your loss, you miss them, you miss the little things you shared together, you remember the good times and forget the bad times you had, and you miss the closeness you shared with your partner. It becomes a little more difficult to handle than a death sometimes because you still see your ex everyday, you still bump into them in the street in little awkward moments when you don't know whether to stop and chat or walk on by without acknowledging that you have seen them.

How can I get my ex back?

I am often asked this question by men, women, teenage boys and girls who have recently broken up with their partners, and the first thing that I reply to them is "Why do you want them back?"

That may seem like a cold response to a desperate plea for help, but when you get down to the nitty-gritty, there was a problem in the relationship that got so bad that it eventually led to you both going your separate ways.

There are many reasons why relationships end, people fall out of love, violence, alcohol, drugs, bad habits, an affair. I could fill this page with reasons for breaking up.

Your relationship must have been in trouble or you wouldn't be sitting there all alone wondering where it all went wrong, wondering what could have been, wondering why you didn't stick it out and see if the problem would have gone away.

Your relationship didn't work the first time, what makes you think it would work out the second time around?

Of course preventing the break up in the first place by communicating with your partner makes your relationship stronger.

Ok so we have established that you want your ex back but before we go down that road we must consider what led to the break up in the first place and work from there.

Lack of commitment

Showing an unwillingness to commit to a relationship does not mean that to keep the relationship strong, that you have to propose marriage, move in with your partner, or go the whole hog and walk down the aisle with them.

Talking about the future with your partner, planning future events together, telling each other about your hopes and dreams, are also ways to show your partner your commitment to your relationship with them.

A Cheating Partner

Just because you or your partner cheated with another, does not have to mean the end of your relationship, but it will take a while before your relationship gets back on track, the trust that you had in your partner or vice versa has been shattered.

It is a long road back to regaining the trust that you once had before the cheating occurred and the little doubts will always be there in the back of your mind, recommitting to your partner, rebuilding trust and staying faithful to your partner are the most important factors to get your relationship back on the rails.

NOTE: if you were the innocent party you must try to forgive, if you want your relationship to continue, try not to bring the cheating incident up every time that you and your partner argue.

A Violent Partner

Violence in any relationship is wrong, why would anyone want to get back with someone who beats them, if you are in a violent relationship get out now all of the promises to change are false, do not believe an ex partner who was violent towards you and say that they have changed to get you back.

My close friend was killed 3 years ago, when her husband beat the life out of her with his bare hands.

If you are in a violent relationship I urge you to get out now.

Alcohol or Drugs

Alcohol and drugs cause many problems in relationships, with them come violence, theft, property damage and mental anguish, if you want to get back with a partner who has an addiction problem, it is a long and winding road, your partner has to realise they have a problem and deal with it either through rehabilitation or through a support group, they must come of the drugs or alcohol and be off it for some time before you should even consider taking them back.

If you are the addict then you need to take the appropriate actions to get you straight again before you consider getting back with your partner, how can you look after your partner if you cant look after yourself?

Falling out of Love

If your ex has fallen out of love with you, then there is no point whatsoever in trying to get back with them, you cannot force someone to love you, the relationship is over, it is time to move on there is someone else out there for you it's just a matter of finding that person.

In all relationships communication is a key element, without talking to your partner about problems you have with each other then nothing will get done and the problem will continue, until either one of you have had enough and the relationship breaks down.

To get back with your ex you first have to confront the problems you had in your original relationship, you must be willing and able to give a little and change some of the things about yourself that became part of the overall problem, patience and an understanding of your partners needs will all help you on the right track, talking to your partner and listening to what they have to say is important, working together in a complete partnership will get your relationship back, if you both want the relationship to work then that is a good start, it will take a lot of hard work but you will find that your relationship will soon be stronger than it ever was before.